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  • Micah says:

    Hi, my name is Micah, I’m 15 years old and I am really scared. I’ve struggled with pornography and masturbation for about 2 years now, I started out of frustration because of things going on in my life. My dad was a pastor at a four square church in Illinois, until he cheated on my mom, my grandpa lost his leg a couple weeks before that, and a little bit after both of these, every friend I had completely cut themselves off from my life, so for about a year I was completely isolated and had no one to talk to, which is why I started. Any way I’m still struggling with it and it feels like there are two of me, one that knows it’s wrong and doesn’t want to do it, and the other that knows it’s wrong but does want to do it, I feel so desensitized, and the only time that the other side of me wants to do it is when I’m being tempted, and after I commit the sin I completely know its wrong and don’t want to do it anymore, It’s like the description in I think Romans where it talks about giving birth to sin is like giving birth to a still born baby. sometime late last year (Sometime in late November) I started to become more serious about my faith because I saw from, at the time, my one friend, that theres gotta be something more to this. Anyway, now I’ve been going through one of those dry times where you just have to fall in love with Jesus all over again, but it’s been going on forever and I haven’t been hearing from God or experiencing him even though I’ve been searching for him, and I try to ask people about what I should do and they just tell me to pray and read my Bible, but I already am, and I can go hours of reading and praying, but experience nothing, and now I feel like people are ignoring me and putting me off, and sometimes I can get a hold of them on the phone and they tell me there doing something right then and they say they’ll call me back in a couple of minutes but I’m always left sitting there for hours waiting and they never call back. and of course theres this stuff going on in America with the same sex marriage law, and all these corrupt things, and its such an eye opener of that Jesus could return at any moment, and I don’t know if what I’m going through means that I’m saved or not, and I’m terrified because I have all this chaos going on and I don’t know if I’m cut off from Christ or not, and no one will help me find answers. and I haven’t told anyone this but, I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it doesn’t matter how bad I want to do it, I can’t, because I’m scared of standing in front of this Holy God, and him telling me, “I had big plans for you and you failed me, depart from me I never knew you”. I feel so hopeless. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Caleb Nisley says:

      Micah, your courage, humility, and passion are inspiring to me. You may feel like you are dry inside, but look at yourself. You are so driven by a desire to improve your relationship with God that you are persistently seeking help. That is a VERY good sign. I once heard it said that if you are worried about whether or not you are cut off from Christ, that you probably aren’t, because it is very likely that the Holy Spirit is working in your heart to make you feel a desire for closeness with God. I think that is a pretty good thought, don’t you?

      I relate to a great deal of what you are saying. I have felt the same way about suicide in my past, and I commend you for realizing that your life is not actually yours. Your life belongs to God.

      I have also felt “dry” in the past. I remember feeling like I was in a wilderness for a long time. It reminds me of (Matthew 4 I believe) when Jesus is in a wilderness fasting. I remember reading that passage at a time of struggle in my life. But after the wilderness Jesus began His ministry. After my wilderness, my passion for God increased tremendously. Don’t give up!

      Keep praying and reading your Bible! I also may suggest listening to Christian music and pondering the lyrics. Recently I have been listening to Jon Guerra’s I will follow. You can find the album in the tab at the top of the page called “Resource Store”. Whenever you purchase from that store it gets you cool stuff and helps to support our ministry. You can also find the song on Youtube for free. Woo!

      Another resource that you might be interested in from the resource store is “When I Don’t Desire God” by John Piper. I haven’t read this yet, but I have a feeling that it might be for you. I have yet to hear anything from John Piper that isn’t inspiring or thought provoking in some way.

      The description of the book is “We all want to experience liberating, love-producing, risk-taking satisfaction in God. But the reality is that we often struggle to find, and hold onto, true and lasting joy–even when we have embraced the good news of God’s grace. So we face a crucial question: What should I do when I don’t desire God? John Piper aims to help us find joy in Jesus that is so deep and so strong that it frees us from bondage to comfort and security, and impels us to live merciful and missional lives. Written with the radical hope that all Christians would experience the fullness of life in Christ, this book will help you fight for joy daily by leading you to rediscover the soul-satisfying glory of God.”

      If you grab it, remember to get it from our resource store if possible so that it can help us out πŸ™‚ I realize, however, that you are 15 and probably don’t make a lot of online purchases, haha! If you look at Barnes and Nobel or any local Christian bookstore you can probably find it. John Piper is pretty popular!

      You should be able to get a free audiobook version of the book for signing up for a free 30 day trial with audible. You can cancel before 30 days and it costs you nothing. The link for that is:

      As far as pornography is concerned, have you subscribed to our Youtube channel, and checked out our article for escaping lust Biblically? We plan to “try” and release a full month of videos about breaking lustful addictions. For now, however, we have 3 or 4 videos on the topic.

      Keep in touch, Micah! (Awesome name by the way)

      I will be praying for you, and I love you, brother!

      PLEASE message me anytime! If you reply through the contact form above and put your email address in, I can email you directly πŸ™‚

      Have a blessed day, friend!

    • Andrew says:

      Wow. I just wanted to say that it was very brave of you to share your struggles. It breaks my heart knowing you are in a very difficult situation in your life. Reading your comment touched me deeply and in a way I was able to relate to you. I too dealt with addiction to porn and masturbation. I also felt alone sometimes. I grew up in a Christian home and went to church, but I always felt guilty for sinning. I thought of ending it all would be better. But, trust me, it is not worth it. But look, Micah, it is going to get better. I too felt hopeless and wondered if God is there. But after I got saved, everything changed for me. I had so much joy and love that I wanted to scream and jump around crazy. I started to quit every sin that was in my life. I had a desire to know Him more and served Him. I believe that God had placed these trials and tribulations in your life to make you a strong and mighty soldier for His Kingdom. I think His Grace and power are made sufficient in other’s weakness.
      Our lives on this Earth is too short, and we should not be worried about anything. Our citizenship belongs in Heaven, where it is eternal, not on this earth.
      You are not alone for God is always with you till the end of time. Also, you have other fellow Chrisitan brothers and sisters around the world dealing with the same things you are. I believe God has plans for you for His kingdom.
      I know you are taking the right steps towards God. You are looking for a way out of your addiction, and you are reading the word of God and praying.
      But, I urge you never to stop seeking God. Always pray and read the Bible. Don’t you ever give up and stay strong? I hope you keep on wanting to know Him and know the joy of walking with Him.
      I care about you and will be praying for you, man! Hope we can talk more and get to know each other dude!
      By the way, after the new laws passed for gay rights, I though it might be near the end of times. I thought I was the only one who thought this, but it is great to know someone else thought the same way. We should not be worried, but be prepared. I think it is a sign for us to prepare for what is about to come next.

  • Mann says:

    Great bro! πŸ˜€u hav boost my hopeπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒu r a good and a humble person 😁😁😁thanks a lot!πŸ˜„keep it up!!!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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